TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of place. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have An additional spot the place American Guys can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer everyone a collection around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he need to end working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the job, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Terrific tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Area, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after finding the making's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors might ponder obscure disappointment



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from Worldwide investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down services."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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